An important lesson learned

I've been taught a valuable lesson on jealousy tonight. Friend number 12 was my husband's best friend and his wife. Their first child is 3 and they had just announced they were pregnant with number 2. I was devastated. I've waited 7 years to be a mommy and now she was a mommy x 2. I've cried for two days out of my jealousy of her blessing. I've been up half the night crying, not because of jealousy, but instead, because of remorse. My husband's best friend called at 11 tonight in tears because they had lost the baby, and he might lose his wife. It turns out the pregnancy was ectopic and her fallopian tube had burst, causing serious internal bleeding. She had to be rushed to emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. At that moment, all I could do was pray that God would keep her safe and pray for forgiveness for my jealousy and spitefulness. I almost felt as though I had caused this pain for her. Logically, I know I had nothing to do with what happened. No one could have foreseen or prevented it. Deep in my heart though, I feel like it was God teaching me a lesson about envy and jealousy. I definitely have gained a greater appreciation for what I do have and suddenly what I don't have seems less important.

Friends 11 and 12 announced their pregnancies today. I've cried myself out of tears today from anger, jealousy, and hopelessness. I wish I could use this as motivation to drive me to reach my goals and ultimately, hopefully, get pregnant. I'm starting to feel like I'm out of motivation, I'm out of hope, and I'm out of patience. I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do. It really just feels like this is never going to happen.

Ready for Change

it's amazing i have had this blog for over 2 years now and i've never once written. i've had plenty of stories to tell, planning my wedding to the love of my life, my first year of marriage, my stint as a foster parent, my journey as a stepmother, or my past 3 years of coping with infertility. the latter of those reasons is why i am now, finally writing. it's been a long 3 years and i'm still searching for the light at the end of this dark tunnel. after 3 years of infertility i am finally seeking the help of a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). i've spent 3 stubborn years believing i could do this myself. i've finally come to the realization, my condition needs professional intervention. LOL my infertility finally has a name, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and i finally have a plan of attack, get my diabetes under control. PCOS and diabetes are kind of like the chicken and the egg. which came first? who knows and at this point, who cares. all i know is i am in the fight of my life to improve my health and bring this baby dream to fruition. as of today, i have 60 days until my next RE appointment. i have 60 days to get my sugar under tight control. my hemoglobin A1C has to be at a 6 or under before my RE will start any infertility treatments. the plan is once i reach that milestone to start on Clomid and possibly intrauterine insemination (IUI). the IUI part wasn't made very clear to me, so i'm not sure if that's on the table just yet or if it is the next step after Clomid alone. at this point all of that is irrelevant because i first have to get my body prepared to become pregnant. my RE keeps telling me something that touches my heart every time he says it. he tells me, you're not here to get pregnant, you're here to take home a healthy baby. people i've told that to look at me like i'm stupid. am i not seeing him to be come pregnant? don't i have to become pregnant to bring home that healthy baby? the answer is yes to both, but the emphasis isn't on just getting pregnant, it is on maintaining the pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby to a healthy mommy. without a healthy mommy, the chances of sustaining the pregnancy at all are slim. even if the pregnancy does result in a viable pregnancy, the chances of that pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby are virtually nil. so for now, i must focus on eating right, keeping track of my sugar, faithfully taking my meds and exercising. (ewwww!) as if my diabetes weren't enough of a hindrance to my health, add arthritis, headaches, and depression, along with the usual stress, and you've got a hot mess in a dress! like i said, nothing in my life is simple.