An important lesson learned

I've been taught a valuable lesson on jealousy tonight. Friend number 12 was my husband's best friend and his wife. Their first child is 3 and they had just announced they were pregnant with number 2. I was devastated. I've waited 7 years to be a mommy and now she was a mommy x 2. I've cried for two days out of my jealousy of her blessing. I've been up half the night crying, not because of jealousy, but instead, because of remorse. My husband's best friend called at 11 tonight in tears because they had lost the baby, and he might lose his wife. It turns out the pregnancy was ectopic and her fallopian tube had burst, causing serious internal bleeding. She had to be rushed to emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. At that moment, all I could do was pray that God would keep her safe and pray for forgiveness for my jealousy and spitefulness. I almost felt as though I had caused this pain for her. Logically, I know I had nothing to do with what happened. No one could have foreseen or prevented it. Deep in my heart though, I feel like it was God teaching me a lesson about envy and jealousy. I definitely have gained a greater appreciation for what I do have and suddenly what I don't have seems less important.

Friends 11 and 12 announced their pregnancies today. I've cried myself out of tears today from anger, jealousy, and hopelessness. I wish I could use this as motivation to drive me to reach my goals and ultimately, hopefully, get pregnant. I'm starting to feel like I'm out of motivation, I'm out of hope, and I'm out of patience. I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do. It really just feels like this is never going to happen.